JOZEE

 Jozee

3/12/11-7/12/15

On July 12, 2015, we lost our sweet girl to a tragic accident. The details are too painful to mention at this time, but it was sudden and unexpected. Alex and I immediately fell apart and fell into a deep sorrowful state. My heart had been ripped out. I had trouble coping and could not see my way out of this pain in my heart. Recognizing my pain and sorrow, my close friends, family and husband graciously helped me cope.  They stayed close, we'd talked things out. They were so understanding, and I realized that I was not alone. I am truly grateful to them. I meant and still means the world to me. My grandchildren helped as well they showed me that I had so much to be grateful for. They were fresh and happy.  They made me laugh. I also leaned on my yoga practice. I would drag myself to class and come out exhausted, too tired and spent to grieve.

I hated waking up in the morning because I would immediately sink into a bleak helplessness of pain and sorrow.  I hated going to bed at night because climbing into bed alone was just heart wrenching. Pain was consuming my heart and soul. It drained me. I was clearly stunned, paralyzed with grief. The tears rolled down my cheeks almost constantly, I could not make plans, I barely got through each day. Everything I did, everywhere I went and all my routine tasks reminded me of her absence. 

I wanted to just caress her, feel her warmth, stroke her coat, hear her bark, smell her again.  It was agonizing. I could pull it together for a short periods of, time but as soon as I was alone, I fell apart. 

As those in my outer circle of friends found out, I would relive the event and stir up those dreaded feelings and my longing for her. Alex and I received such kindness from friends, there were gestures of love and caring, of true friendship. We were overwhelmed with gratitude. 

Alex and I did our best to go with our life, each of us suffering, but putting on a brave face to face the world. In the fall, we went to Key West and visited family, it is all a blur. I was going through the motions of life but not involved in it. I felt that I had lost my personality, fun was elusive and pointless. This grief really sucked the life out of me, the thought of ever having to go through this again removed any notion of getting another pup. Many people, however suggested jut that. I do not know how many times I was told that the only solution to my emotional state was to get another dog. No, that was not an option. I just wanted our Jozee, no other dog, I could not imagine it. My love and devotion was only for Jozee. I could not see me having the energy to take on the responsibility of a dog, let alone, a puppy. Alex, however told me often that  he would like a dog someday. I could not fathom it.  

Part of my time alone in my sadness, I would pretend that I was getting a dog, it was somehow a soothing notion. Also because Alex wanted a pup. It was all pretend in my mind, because I was not capable of caring for a dog or puppy. I could barely care for myself, let alone a puppy. However, painfully, I searched the Internet for breeders, I even wrote them asking for ways to cope and to let me know if they had a liter in the spring. I poured over puppy faces and photos of dachshunds. Everyone I contacted was lovely, supportive, and so sorry. They were helpful too and again I would hear that it would be "Best if you get a new pup, it is the only cure." Humph. I seemed to give me hope that this fog would someday lift and I would be me again. 

Wintertime came and eventually, I found that I was coming around emotionally. The bouts of grief were a little farther apart and I felt like the cloud was lifting.  I laughed here and there again. I became more active, skiing, yoga, walking. I experienced some energy bursts. The fog and haze continued to lift. I made a serious attempt to focus on helping myself, finally. I directly and actively forced myself to make positive changes. Made plans, saw friends, got involved again. I still had surprise bouts of grief and tears, but manageable now. 

Springtime, renewal, rebirth. 

It was surly time to emerge from this miserable funk. I found out that forcing myself to forget the hole in my being does not work. Forcing myself to live with it and distract myself is slightly better.

Now, fast forward to today, Saturday, 4-23-16, because tomorrow we are going to pick up our new 10 week old pup, "McNalty". At the beginning of March, I got an email from one of the breeders that I had contacted during some of my in my darkest moments. She said she had a puppy that was born on 2-14-16 and needed a home and she wondered if I would be interested. I scrolled down the page to see this sweet two week old puppy face. I burst into tears, I was not sure what kind of tears. Sad ones or happy ones. I just let it flow.  The date this puppy was born marked Fifty years of my mother's passing. (I had been very sad and down that day). I could not believe the connection that I felt to this little soul. All of a sudden things became beyond my control emotionally, I fell head over heals with this sweet ball of fur. It was s sign I felt. Mom sent her to me. When I repeated the story to family and friends the first thing out of their mouths was, your mom sent her to you. I told the breeder that I would call her as soon as I stopped crying. The next night we called her, by the end of our conversation, we owned a puppy. I named her McNalty because it was a name my mom called our dog growing up. "Fuji McNalty" was our dog until I was 17 years old. I lost my Mom 2 years after I lost Fuji. It was 2-14-66, Valentines Day! 

So here we go on a new adventure with a new little love in our life.  I feel excited, I feel blessed, I feel a new chapter opening up. I feel renewed. 

I also feel sad, missing our Jozee girl, deep inside me I continue to grieve. It rises up at moments that are unexpected, like now, today and I am sure, again tomorrow and so on.

 

Dad

June 25, 2011

Saying Goodbye to Dad,

Carrying his memories in My Heart,

Paying his Love and Actions Forward,

Honored to be his Daughter

I was fortunate enough to be with my Dad the last three weeks of his life. During this time he was recovering in the hospital and then at home. He was mostly comfortable, but weak, not much conversing went on however, he did manage to tell me things here and there. He said that he had a good life, that he loved his family and that he was proud of us. Mostly too tired to make small talk, he made his needs known and snuck in a few touching words here and there. I did not understand at the time, but in retrospect, I realize he was gently saying his goodbyes and that he was ok. The best moment came when I tucked him in after a long day at home for him, myself, and Marilyn. I kissed him goodnight and he said "you did a good job today and I appreciate all you do." I said "I love you Dad" and responded "I love you more".

He was so gracious, composed and brave, as he faced what he knew to be his passing. He did his best to be gentle and make it easy on us all and it could not have been more perfect. He passed a week later. In my grief, I was consoled by family and friends. I knew how much he was loved and that I was not the only one who will miss him. I spoke a couple of times with his baby sister, Auntie Esther. ( who can not be here with us today but is in spirit.) During our phone call, she conveyed some wonderful things about Dad that I never knew. She spoke of his generous nature with everyone. He gave of his time and his attention, as well as sharing knowledge with all he met. He did this as often as he could. He loved caring for people, he had a deep concern and patience with them. This quality made him a beloved brother, friend, uncle, husband, doctor, colleague, and father, and soldier.

Auntie Esther shared with me a personal story of his generosity to her from the time when they were kids. Growing up, they were extremely poor, she said that they had nothing. Dad sold newspapers to earn some money at age 13 or 14. Every single week he gave his baby sister 25 cents, it did not matter if he earned a dollar or 75 cents, he always gave her 25 cents. He never wavered in his gift and devotion to her. She told me he bought her a pair of ice skates. He had seen that she would struggle to wear her older brother's skates by stuffing them socks so they'd fit better. Seeing this, he made sure she got her own skates. He could and did give her things she wanted. We were witness to his continued generosity with her through their lives.

This last December, Dad and Marilyn went to visit Auntie Esther in Tucson, AZ. I know traveling was hard on him because his endurance was low, yet he made the trip. Dad, told me he had a great time with her and my cousins as well. He was happy to see her. He gave of himself, even if it was tough. That was just how he was.

He gave his time to people as a devoted doctor. He made regular house calls, had office hours, but in between he'd drop everything and take care of an emergency, he opened the doors to the office to those who dropped in, took phone calls that interrupted our dinner, or our life. He was the person everyone in our family and extended family turned to. We did not have any other doctor growing up. He delivered all his nieces and nephews in Buffalo area. We were so fortunate, and so well cared for.

Auntie Esther spoke of his welcoming personality. Dad was the first one to greet and bring you into the family circle or an event or a gatherings. He never balked at us having friends or family overnight. He included our cousins in family vacations or any activity we happened to be doing. What an example he was.

Dad would get a kick out kids and loved being surrounded by them, the grand kids, the great grand kids friend's kids, kids he had just met.When he finally retired, he was a eager volunteer with the Kiwanis, focusing on the kids programs or new-mother's programs. He took pride in that. They looked to him for ideas, for guidance, for support and wisdom. He helped in any capacity he could.

He often told us that his greatest love was, a love of knowledge. He put himself through eight years of college and medical school. He was blessed with a photographic memory which he put to use in the service of fellow man. He wanted us all to seek knowledge. He worked very hard to inspire us children, growing up. When he noticed at a young age that I was having a struggle with reading, he told me practice makes perfect. True to his creative spirit, he came up with a solution to get us to read more, he came home with Mad Magazine. He'd read it with us, to us, and without us around. He'd point out all the hidden cartoons and loved spy vs spy and he would belly laugh longer and stronger than any of us. We were delighted and enchanted by his laughter. More recently, his grand kids and great grand kids share that enchantment.

On the subject of laughter, what a unbelievable sense of humor Dad had. Every chance he got, he would tell a series of great jokes, (Ok, well, some not so great). He was not shy or self-conscious, never had a hesitation or bobble; just great delivery every time. He'd look for any opportunity to joke, including recently when he was in the hospital making his nurses and me laugh. He was a charmer; endearing people to him as much as possible. While gathered at Dad's bedside one morning, Jill, Jackie and I were pleased to reveal to each that we thought that having a sense of humor was the thing we each thought was our own greatest treasure from him.

A couple of days before Dad passed away, there was a knock at the front door and a young neighbor from across the street inquired if everything was ok, as he'd seen many cars coming and going that weekend. We explained about Dad and he asked if he could see him and say goodbye. He bent down and spoke to Dad who was in a deep sleep. He thanked Dad for inspiring him to go to pharmacy school and told him that he had changed his life, and he'd be forever grateful. He told us that he'd given him the inspiration and courage he had needed, at that time in his life. We were all touched and I was thinking "yes, that would be my Dad." Education was so very important to him.

Today and forever, I thank you Dad for the many gifts you imparted on me and my family and friends. Because of your precious attention, your wisdom, and grace, and role model, I am a better person. What more could anyone ask from a parent. I love you Dad and I feel so blessed and honored to be your daughter. I will deeply miss you everyday.

"To Laugh often and much;
To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children;
To earn the appreciation of honest critics and to endure the betrayal of false friends;
To appreciate beauty;
To find the best in others: To leave the world a bit better whether by a healthy child, a garden patch or redeemed social condition;
To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

I Resolve to

I resolve in 2011 to perform, think and say pleasant things all year through, what else can we do? Really, now really. pleasant, huh?

12 step to a richer life.

I did not write these 12 steps, but I did read them, liked them, copied them, and kept them around on my desk at work and after I retired, in my desk at home. I came across them the other day, reread them. I felt that they were worthy of sharing with you, so here they are. I have no idea where they came from, and these are not my words, but I like them and have tried to incorporate them in my life.
1. Keep life simple.
2. Avoid watching for a knock in your motor. (I assume that it is a doom and gloom attitude)
3. Learn to like work. (That was a hard one for me, so I learned to like parts of my job and keep them in mind.)
4. Have a good hobby. (I have a few and they help me with some of these steps)
5. Learn to be satisfied.
6. Like people and join the human experience. (I like this one)
7. Get in the habit of saying the cheerful pleasant thing.
8. Meet adversity by turning defeat into victory.
9. Meet your problems with decisions.
10. Make the present moment an emotional success.
11. Always be planning something.
12. Don't let irritating things get you goat.

I am sure, that these are not always the easiest of things and attitudes to establish, but chipping away at them, and keeping them in mind or, as I did on a little piece of paper on your desk, hopefully will help you. Life will be in transition, in change, we will have many situations and or losses in our lives and to keep a perspective or key in mind, may just do the trick for that moment.
peace and love, jude

Practice, practice, practice

Practice, hmmm so what is it if it does not eventually lead to making perfect? It is not the reason for practice, the motivation? I practice bikram yoga, have since October of 2003. I suffer often, sweat much, reach hard, work to exhaustion, try to focus, listen, breathe, concentrate and still can't get it, perfect elludes me. I know it is just ahead, that longer hold, deeper stretch, tighter muscle, smoother breath, better focus, that total connection to the asana. What does it take? Why do I not make perfect? Maybe my standard for perfect is too high, which leads me to what's perfect? I feel confused, I thought I knew what perfect was for each asana. I listen in class, I read Bikram's book, I practiced again, and then practiced some more. Still not perfect! Are the directions that are said ie. "lock your knee, like a japanese ham sandwich, like tiny knife blades, kick and reach, total human traction, absolute straight line, throat choked, avoiding ribcage, hold it there and don't even blink", to help you make perfect? Well, I am waiting, working, practicing. OK, What if perfect is not what I think it is, maybe it is just simply what I can do at that moment with this body and this mind. What if perfect is that I showed up to the yoga room, and perfect is that 80 percent of the time my knee is locked, perfect is that I bring my faith that my body will perform and to know I will benefit no matter how deep I move, or how strong I feel, or smooth my breath is. What if that is perfect. Now that just makes sense. Perfect is not the what other yoginis, teachers or masters can do as compared to me. Perfect is that no matter what, I am the receipient of my yoga practice. This amazing practice of yoga, that for thousands of years has healed and saved us humans from all the damage we do and are exposed to is perfect. Wow! Perfect is that I show up with all my karma baggage and work hard. I can relate to that and relax now. So, for me, all I need to do is to come to yoga room, practice & then enjoy the fruits of my efforts. Live in balance with calm eagerness, observe the ups and downs of being human, smile, I get it! Now, that sounds perfect to me. Wow, that was easy, hmmm.. just show up, practice, enjoy, repeat. PERFECT!

I am cleasing, stretching, & sculpting my body, stimulating & healing my organs, separating and alighning my joints, easing & focusing my mind, deepening & improving breath, renewing faith, soothing the soul, honoring myself routinely, I practice yoga. I say ty to BYof W instructors, ty Bikram for coming to the western world & sharing yoga here. The benefits I gain cannot be measured, just humbly acknowledged today.

Yoga, the Mountains, and lil' ole me

National Academy 2010
Number Three

Yoga, the Mountains, and me

YOGA is derived from the Sanskrit root "yuj", meaning "to control", "to yoke" or "to unite”

Wow, what a week it was. Every emotion, every last bit of strength, endurance, courage, and mental focus, was put to the test. The steeps, the conditions made it so hard for me, I wished I had been in better physical shape and better acclimated to the altitude, so I could perform at my level best, but it was what I was. I had to accept that and keep on keeping on. (Next year, I can do something about it and I will.) Still, the rewards of the experiences were beyond my expectations, the gaining of knowledge, the making friends, the reuniting and connecting with old friends, the changes in my skiing, the pushing myself to the brink, the terrifying of myself, the tumbling, the not tumbling, and afterglow you get when looking up at mountain that you just hurled yourself off of and realize what you just skied. Wow, I feel so humbled and grateful having attended this years Academy and by joining a group of awesome people that ripped the mountain and were understanding and supportive of me. I also owe many thanks to my coach, who patiently believed in me, when I did not, and gave up his first tracks in fresh powder to make sure I made it down. I am sincerely grateful; David Oliver, you rock!
The person I have became during these days surprised me, wow! I rocked it and met my fears head on, absolutely with the help of my friends and coaches. They all looked out for me and made me believe in me. They even hooted and hollered when I kicked it! What I also gained was a profound respect for myself, how can you put a price on any of that? National Academy 2010 was truly priceless.
“Yoga on the Mountain”, to me describes the benefit I received this week. I got a glimpse, a taste, a chance to experience the “control”, and to “unite” with and become a part of the mountain, the group, wow, what a thrill. The beauty all around me, the blue skies, fresh air, wind, snow spray, sounds were all part of my reward. I got to be there, in the moment, reveling in the mountain experiences. It just amazed me that life could be that good and it was that good. I had a blast!
I’d like to share one particular experience in this five day event that was really stands out. On the second afternoon of our week, my elective was the video critique. We all gathered around and were introduced to our coach, Andy Docken. There were only four of us, how cool!! Excitedly, we rode up the tram, chatting and anticipating the afternoon. The plan was to go off the front side, stop and video four times on different terrain/conditions. It was fun, I felt really blessed to have Andy as my coach, and to get feedback from another National team member. We made our run under epic blue skies on sweet terrain, albeit I was kind of uptight on the steep part. It was pushed around snow and I was not sure that it had softened up to its more malleable state. Andy picked up on it said some kind encouraging words that set me at ease. Our run was fun, and before we knew it, we were indoors watching ourselves ski. We saw the whole video and of coursed critiqued ourselves in silence. My mind was saying, hmm, nice, wow, cool, oops, yikes, stuff like that. I was light hearted and ready to have Andy’s highly trained, experienced, eye critique me, so that I could work on becoming a better skier. He chose a segment of our run and individually critiqued us. He first asked us all what we were working on, and what we saw in our skiing on that video. He gave us information on our movements, which was useful for all; he then became more specific with each of us. He showed us the correct movements, body alignments and the muscle group or groups we’d need to feel while performing it correctly, and the effect of that move, position, or posture on the skis. He told us which body joints, muscle groups, how it should feel and purpose for it all. I was so psyched when I left. I reviewed the experience in my head as I scooted up to my room to get it all written down. Wow, what a critique, it coincided with what I was currently focused on, and pointed out something more that made so much sense to me. I can see where it holds me back and prevents me from raising my skiing skills to the next level. These were the finer points of my skiing, the fine tuning after the years of practice, PSIA clinics, and coaching. I felt great to be at this point in my skiing, it was coming together for me.
The next day, I had signed up for the carving elective in the afternoon. I was so looking forward to putting my new ski movements, and posture, and thoughts to the mountain snow. I stood by the group that was less aggressive, hoping to do some serious self revisions that afternoon. We were at the halfway point in the academy and the last 2 and 1/2 days of skiing for the whole season. I wanted to go out, improved, reworked, and become exhausted, before I hang the skis up for the season. I looked around and to my surprise Andy Docken was part of the carving coaches. Wow, I greeted him and he invited me to come in his group. This was magical. He introduced me as his new bff to others and fun groups were formed. Off we went, we took a warm up on the mineral basin’s groomer, Andy watched us from halfway down the hill and told me to find a spot for the group to pull over. I did. My new sensations were cool, stabilizing, seeking momentum in my mind and using the energy to my advantage. I cruised pretty fast, but never really felt uncomfortable with it. Yee ha, I liked what I was feeling, and what it was doing for me I will work keep it as I have so many times over. We spent the afternoon, describing and playing with the carved ski. On different terrain we used different type of edge angles on our skis, always trying to start from the lowest body joint and work our way up our joints including my spine. We smeared our turns, we tried a racer’s carve, high in the turn, middle, low all the ways we could depending on terrain. At the end of the day, Andy said that he did not expect me to make that change so quickly, but I had done well. I told him thanks, and that I used every tool he gave me.
My plan is to continue to train, despite the fact that my skis are hung up for the season, I will be watching videos, keeping in good physical shape, and focusing on the areas that I need to in order become a better skier. I’ll also be hoping the ski seasons come early this winter and that I can soon be on snow again picking up where I have left off. I will be remembering, incorporating, improving and smiling all the while, as my experience becomes richer, and more refined and tuned with the mountain and its demands. I seek to be one with it again, at some future moment in time, somewhere and many times over again.