The Wonder Years
My wonder years were probably from age 13 to 16 or 46 (kidding). They marked a wondering of so: who am I? How am I gonna fit in this world, what do I do? How do I make and keep friends? What should I do at a dance or party, can someone teach me the jitter bug? Why in tarnation, do I have to wear a bra? How does one behave in junior high. What are the rules of the middle finger and those new words like f*#^, a#^*, b*^#@#, and f@%$**. And what about boys? How do I go about growing up? The wonder years, ...ahh and what the heck is sex all about? yuk, well maybe not.

7th grade, Mr. Hennig's class, in the desk right behind me sat a boy named Alex Murchison. He would talk through class pretty much directly in my ear. He told me about himself, what he did that past evening or over the weekend, and so on. He led an interesting life, I guess cuz', I listened, with wonder, wow, I thought, he talks to me like I am a person, a friend, hmm, wow! Alex Murchison was the first boy that spoke to me in a way that was not goofy, teasing, or just plain stupid. He did not stare, or poke, or find ways to make me hate him, he was kind, thoughtful, interesting, and chatty as hell. Now, that's refreshing I thought. Time went on, we would see each other in class, he'd chat, I listened, then one day after class, he asked if he could walk me home from school, and carry my books. Wow! I, of course, said yes. We met and walked home, I got to talk a bit this time, he asked me about myself, what I liked and so on. It was nice also great to not carry my books. We must have spoken about the flat tire on my bike, because when we got to my house, he went right to work and fixed it. That was cool to me, I was impressed, he was sweet. We became fast friends, he would wait for me after swim practice and walk me home, he would wait for me at girl scouts and walk me home, We talked on the phone (a lot). I liked our friendship. I lived in a neighborhood with many boys, grew up mostly playing with boys, baseball in the street, tag on front lawns, hide and seek...all of that silly stuff. I was used to having boys as friends. The friendship with Alex felt very nice for me, natural. We seemed to not be on the same page and there were, interestingly to me, ups and downs. Geeze, everytime I would talk or dance with another boy, or go out with a guy, he would stop talking to me. What the heck? I had a bunch of different guys in my life, like from scouting, after school activities, etc. Why was my friend, Alex getting mad? It was beyond me. I just did not understand him. Eventually, he'd get over it, come around and we'd be back to being buddies again. He would come over, and we'd get an ice cream, or take a bike ride or sit on my front steps and talk. It was nice to have him as a friend, he looked after me, he cared about me. We had fun, I would go to his dive meets, he would go to my swim meet. In the summer we would swim at the town pool everyday. We hung out with a bunch of other kids that swam on the teams. Ravenous after practice, we'd all pile into a local pizza shop and devour a pizzas, (I could eat a small one all by myself). We go to local hamburger joint for french fries and coke. We'd listen to the juke box, laugh and fool around. Life was simple and fun. This is our beginning, our wonder years together. We were 12 and 13 then. Then things changed in 8th and 9th grade. (to be continued...soon, promise)

Giving Thanks, where do I begin? It would bore you for me to go on about my many thanks/blessings. It is, to me, the acknowledgement and the remembrance of them, that we need and to keep each formost in our hearts and minds. Remember often, acknowledge them much. For me, that is the biggest blessing of them all, that we at any moment are capable of rising above and remembering. The choice to dwell on them will give back to you tenfold in your heart and mind set. It is life afirming rejuvinating, even spiritual. The choice to dwell on the negative, sucks the life out of you, the room, and others. So you, my friends, family, and anyone else who reads this, pledge to yourself that everyday you will go to sleep counting your blessings, giving thanks and nurturing your heart. Thank you, blessings to you.

Some of my earliest memories and images 1

My Mother's Mom. Mildred Jolbert Marvin (1898-1952)
I remember my Gramma Mimi, and what fun we had, we would play hide the thimble, she would tell me if I was warm, hot, hotter etc. I loved that game, she hid it in the places I could easily see. She repeated the hiding places and I'd checked them all, she'd laugh at me, I loved it. It brings to mind images of her home. A warm cozy home with a red patterned rug, bookshelves, a large front window, brightly colored paperweights made of glass, a fat chair, a brick patterned kitchen floor, big dinning room table, flower gardens, a plaster duck family on the front lawn, her smile, laughter. I remember Grandpa George at that time, he would take me for walks and tell me about things like smelling different flowers, nature, animals and birds. We would walk to the quarry across the street from their home (they lived on Main Street in Snyder), it is now the Main Street exit for the I-290, we would catch fish in the water, sunfish, they were so cute to me and exciting. We used to sing after our main course at dinner "I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream". Then we'd eat ice cream, I loved it. Sadly, Mimi passed May 1952, she was 54, I was 5. It was not sudden, but slow, I would visit her in her sick bed at the top of the staiway in her home, she was so sad and small and weak. I loved her so much, hugged her tight and was sad to see her be in bed like that. I can still see her looking at me and smiling, that's nice to remember. When she died, at the funeral, my Mom wanted me to say a prayer and goodbye. I had a awful time with that, I remember the sadness and wanting her to wake-up. I remember crying really hard. My first real saddness and heartbreak.
I remember going to Marjorie Daw's Nursery school. We played cool games like farmer in the dell, London bridge, duck duck goose and so on. I loved that and out time spent out in the yard. I remember that they had a summer camp trip in Allegheny park. I remember feeding the raccoons at night and watching them dunk there food in water to eat it. We slept in a bunk rooms, all the kids. I couldn't fall asleep, so I scratched my fingernails on the metal frame of the bed. A kid asked what was that? I said it must be a raccoon, next I knew they were all screaming and yelling for Mrs. and Mr. Daw. Oh man, I did not expect that reaction. I thought they would find it funny. I was scolded, but not bad just warned about my behavior they were such nice people. I saw my first ski lift in the back of the cabin, I was fascinated.

I was 4 when my sister Jill was born and she was not welcome in my world because I was shipped off to Marjorie Daw's and she stayed home and got to be the baby. I balked, begged and pleaded not to have to go, none the less, off I went, out of the warm confines of my wonderful play world, my toys, my home, and my Mom, my babyhood, life changed.

Bikram yoga, my personal FLIGHT

For 10 years I have practiced Bikram yoga. Started out strong because I had the time and I loved it more than any other thing I did to be in shape, plus I could see it's application to skiing. I have practiced the usual workout routines, (aerobics, low impact aerobics, step, machines, bike, roller blade, jog, and swim) but never loved them. I loved Bikram and I went just about daily for two years slowing in winter, due to skiing schedule, but at least 3 times a week in Dec-March. That's not my schedule now, I aim for four times a week, but three is usually what happens. Since Alex started treatment, I have large blocks of time away from yoga. (vacations) Today was my 3rd day back this week after about a 10day stretch off. I really had a struggle in class, the heat, the air, my sick feeling stomach, discomfort, worry, poor focus, all contributed to a nasty struggle. I surrendered to it and did my best. The class is an hour and one half long, It starts with a warm up, then a balancing series, a back strengthening series and floor series, there are two breathing exercises at beginning and end of class a bunch of sit-ups. We work rest work rest in various amounts of time, throughout. Sometimes, it is the quickest hour and a half of the day, sometimes, not so much. Today, was the latter, ouch. Oh well, that is the case sometimes, believe it or not, I have found that having a strong person near you helps you but, not today, a good frame of mind or mindlessness helpsnbut that did not, having the body feeling well and healthy helps but It did no help, wearing the most comfy, light clothing helps but it did not. I had a struggle for what seemed like longer than an eternity today. Super tough class today no doubt. At the end of class, lying quiet, mindless, beat, hot, wasted, soaking wet, longing for my shower, I realized that I was in a very happy mood. I was quite giddy and light hearted actually. Wow, what and why? My thoughts are as follows:
What I believe about my practice of yoga. I believe it has completely transformed me and is not done yet.  I beleive that I am not the same person that walked into the studio many years ago. I am not just physically stronger and more flexible, I believe it has protected me from injury and accidents. My balance has improved immensely and I face the day with better concentration and mindfulness, and a clearity of thought. I believe that I have evolved into a better eater, tending toward the healthy choices, but still love chocolate. I believe that I am stronger, emotionally. How tough remains to be seen, as I continue my journey thru life. Yoga has saved me in those dark scary times.  I am lighter in mood and content. Spiritually, I believe I have had a glimpse of my soul. I beleive that it triggers me a to be a compassionate, forgiving, tolerant, caring person. I beleive that I don't let the little things get to me as much. This is some of my understanding of my yoga practice, I hope will always have it in my life, as I need it to always be in my life. 

So thank you (myself) for flying Bikram Airlines where there are no worries, no long lines to wait in, easy check-in, no extra charge for baggage, the staff are highly trained, friendly and here to help, and the peanuts are always free. Oh that's right, no peanuts. ...And best of all it, guarantees to get me from here to there in the most incredible way.

Namaste.

Wow, Friday the 13th

Said to be a bad luck day. But I am not really feeling that. Some things said and done and seen today sparked this realization for me. No biggie story..just anouther day, simple and free but a "refresh" of my focus somehow happened today and I am feeling blessed. Sure, we are not on our scheduled trip to Key West; sure, we are fighting cancer and grounded to the home; sure, we are scared, and yes there are so many scenarios that I don't even want think about, but no we are blessed.

I always was taught to count my blessings and as a child. So, every night I would do just that, as I said my "God-blesses". I would go on and on about having pets, toys, books, a great Mom and Dad, great sisters and a thanks for every single member of my family. I loved that part of my bedtime. I just do not know when I stopped, (..probably when I went away to college. Everything went to hell then, as I was a flower child, society/parent rebel and so on). I decided that it is something that I want to put back in my bedtime prayers.

Today, I am truly blessed and I count my blessings with every member of my family, all my sweet friends, with every well-wish received, every accomplishment, every plan ahead, every dream that I am able to dream, and with every day I have been allowed to be here with my sweet love, Alex. The smiles, the tears, the laughter, the banter, the relaxing, the and the love and caring shown to us all the moments big and small, sad and happy..and so on; mark the blessings. So now..a lifetime later, I get it, really want to live it not dissapoint myself and feel sorry for myself. Alex and I have been blessed most of all with strength. We need to recognize it, be amazed by it, be appreciative of it, know it, rely on it, along with all our other blessings.

Blogger: User Profile: judyanne

you are asking a vegitarian a meat question...I think not

It is November 12th and this marks half way point in the chemo. Last Thursday, Alex got chemo and Friday, he got a muga scan and a body ct scan. He has slowly painfully gone downhill this week as far as energy, strength and wakefulness. He hates this part, we hate this part.

I am trying to keep healthy food and drink available and cook nutritious meals. In all this cooking, and togetherness, I am laughing at how opposite we truly are. Not only the male/female stuff, but so many little things and they make me laugh. It is a vegetarian and a diet coke junky trying to make a go of it in the kitchen. In all our 18 years together, he has been out fending for himself all day and then we eat out, or I cook healthy meals for him. We eat out about three times a week or more in winter and summer and I observe his not so great habits in the way of his choices, but I had never realized how over the top he is toward the unhealthy side. He has never really admitted it to himself or just can't but, when he gets together with buddies, out comes the diet heavy red meats slathered in bacon and blue cheese with a side of shrimp and always lots of ice cream for dessert. All chased with a diet Pepsi/coke or two. Now, he is in my hands, nurse Ratchet he calls me, and in all good conscious I cannot fix the stuff he is probably jonesing to have. Sliders...a hot dog with chili meat on it, a bacon blue cheeseburger, a filet with shrimp scampi on top. Don't even get me started on his egg consumption..thank heavens for Egglands. I try to meet him part way with a vegeburgers on white, not wh. wheat, but no cow cooked in this house, eat that out. We have an occasional steamed shrimp dinner with old bay or crab cakes, and we eat lots and lots of fresh vegis from the farmer's market..in all kinds of ways..roasted, steamed, saute. Fruit too: like broiled grapefruit or homemade applesauce, or banana bread. Peanut butter is laced with nutritional yeast and honey, wheat germ finds it way to the baked good, not cutout cookies though. He get yogurt, fruit or nuts for snack, grain cereals and Rice milk. Very little dairy, as it was giving him bloat. It makes me laugh, when I ask him if he misses his Pepsi, and gunk. He says " no, you always take such good care of me". My kids need to learn a lesson from him, see, I was good at sneaking good stuff into their diet so many years ago. I am well practiced, there was spinach in spag. sauce, tofu everywhere etc. This is not new to me, but being appreciated is.
I feel so lucky and blessed to have Alex in my life. This is the deal, I want to keep him around and that is all. Selfish, I think not, more so that he can get to retire and do all the things he dreams of and I can be there with him. He is the love of my life, we are so opposite but going down the same path for the exact same reason and loving every minute.

So, the news from the doctor was great today: a healthy heart, shrinking lymph nodes and the growth on his shoulder is miniscule and the doc. said he was happy with the results at this halfway mark .
Also, he got his H1N1 shot. wow. yay

result are good, but not fair

So we are at the doctor's office a week after Alex's 1st chemo treatment. The chemo comprises of a potent cocktail of meds that include steroids, antibodies, antihistamines, and nasty poisons. It takes two days to administer, an 8 hour drip the first day and a 5 hour drip two days after. He sleeps though most of them, I read or knit. It is quiet and a sad place. There are small open rooms in a hallway with a huge station for personnel in center. Each room has a reclining lounge chair, a tv, an iv pole, and a small arm chair for the companion. There is a giant shelving unit piled with quilts, afghans, and fleece blankets. They are all home made and some say in memory of ---. I read them, fearing I may burst into tears. Anyway, we are waiting to see the doctor because his blood count was very low..almost no white cells. It was determined that he had a UTI and needed to go on an antibiotic, and get a look/see from the doc. He gave us the results from all the tests and they were good as far as containment of disease. He had two kinds of lymphoma at this point a new one being large cell, his general lymph nodes size had diminished and his heart was strong. We were releived, but concerned about the future and the treatments. I felt better, but not really. We have a battle ahead and he is sick from the first one, there are 5 more treatments to go. Oh my sweet man, he so does not deserve this.

Starting out on a sad note :(

Three weeks ago tomorrow, Alex, my beloved, reached up and felt a lump and large swollen area on his right shoulder. His arm had been paining him and keeping him up at night and hand would go to sleep. Needless to say, we were at the dr's office 2 days later, getting a biopsy 2 days after that and 5 days later we were back in the office getting the results. His lymphoma, that was discovered in 1992 and treated became active. The next morning he got his 1st chemo..an 8 hour drip, the next day he got a pet scan and a bone marrow biopsy, the day after that a shunt was placed under his skin that will be the port for which he will receive his drugs. Monday, last, he got another dose of Chemo that has kicked his butt. He is feeling tired, but not sick, happily, the huge mass has gotten much smaller, arm has gotten better as well as his hand he has been sleeping well. He went to work all week, never really complained, took naps in afternoon. It is nice to own your own marina and have an apartment there. What also is tremendous is all the love and support we have in our family, we could not do this without them. Jay, Wendy, you are the best!!!and all the guys that have pitched in at work, many thanks. The love and support of our family and friends has also been overwhelming. Our spirits have been lifted emencely. The doc says he has a 70% chance of remission and remediation. He slept pretty much all day today, he took a little car ride to the marina for about two hours, then came home and slept off and on while the Bills got beat by Miami. Tomorrow, October 5th, we get the results of the scan and bone biopsy, and his blood levels. We will have answers, not having answers has been rough, lets hope and pray that tomorrow's answers are not going to be catastrophic. Collectively pray all! Thanks